Mr Obama, a couple things you need to know about Canada.
You are a person of colour, not color.
Do yourself a favour and don’t ask about Canadian bacon. No one eats it.
You can have a donut however. Tim Horton played for the Toronto Maple Leafs. They haven’t won a Stanley Cup since before I was born. I gave up on them durning the reign of Captain Video.
We are America’s feisty little brother. You’re all grown up and like to ignore us, but we really just want and need your approval. Otherwise, why would Toronto continue to harp that it is a “world class city”? It just wants to be New York for some reason.
America wants heroes. Heroes heroes heroes. Canada has anti-heroes. Losers, goofballs, misfits. I know, it makes no sense. We’re screwed up. Blame it on the weather.
The American myth is east-west. The Canadian myth is north-south. Americans escape from the self and head west to purify themselves through violence. Canadians go north and retreat into themselves and dissolve like the snow falling on cedars while ice fishing and getting drunk on beer. It is more the cycle of seasons, nothing changes. Barfly was a Canadian movie.
Canadian beer is not stronger than American beer. We just measure alcohol by mass and you by volume. Or the other way around. Hic…
That bit in the Michael Moore film about how Canadians don’t lock their doors in the city was bunk.
We have inherited a good deal of British snobbery. Your aloofness will play well here. Canadians despise their leaders.
You are like one of our most controversial prime ministers, Pierre Trudeau. Loved and hated equally, he was young, slim, sexy. His wife palled around with Jagger, Warhol, probably a few terrorists. You would seem downright folksy next to his famous insouciance.
Don’t talk to us about change. We have too much of it with loonies and toonies in our pockets.
The english french thing. Qu’est ce que c’est? It was our civil war, except that there was no emancipation principle involved, just two colonial powers engaged in a pissing contest.
Americans have Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Canadians can look forward to Law, Order and Good Government. We are a nation of civil servants. Ouch.
Canadians don’t say eh? anymore. We say ‘hey? This has happened in the last 10 years or so to my ear. And we all sound like a Minnesota librarian. Or Sarah Palin. Dontcha know…
Wayne Gretzky never took steroids.
Treat us with respect, and we will be your loyal friend. Canadians are nothing if not loyal.